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Here's some funny ones

"J"

Git Off My Lawn
Supporting Member
56,741
274
North Carolina
Men's Thoughts

-- I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 10:30.

-- The wife’s back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

-- I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

-- My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

-- I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.

-- Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

-- The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her, “Only you. All the others kept me awake!”

--My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, “I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!”. “Oh,” I replied, “so now you want me to stay!”

-- I’ve just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she’s moving during sex.

-- Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK.